just me

Ima cool type of brotha wit my head on straight/
I've done the whole romance thing, I've been on dates/
I know what crushin feels like, they don't all end great/
I've had my heart be broken and I made some break/
But the main reason that I'm right here now/
In the position that I'm in, why I can't slow down/
Is partly due to my passion and "go-hard" style/
See I tell alotta jokes, but I aint no clown/

If ure the target in my sights then I'm takin the shot/
Not gone promise u the world but u can have what I got/
And anything beyond that, is an "us" and a "we" thing/
Any problem of urs is now also a "me" thing/
If your back's againts the wall, I'm the brick and the morter/
If ure trynna stay afloat then I'm drinkin the water/
Anything to you stable in a world so shakey/
In the boat, I'm the anchor when it gets too wavey/

Your source for Entertainment, like you've seen on E!/
So get drunk off love, you can lean on me/

-AuthorPenzwell-

Back..

Wuddup...I got ghost for a second.
I was goin thru a rough patch for a second, I'm good tho...
Still on my hunt for bigMoney...I did a bit of soul-searchin while I was away, and although I can't really disclose what I'm thinkin about at the moment, jus know, I found some answers..
Still a lil confused, but I found some answers none-the-less...

Here we go...

Troubles bring triumph
And pain brings glory/
Hold ya head high, even when it gets gory/
When the blood's on your brow
And the sweat's in your eyez/
Keep your feet to the ground
And ur prayers to the skies/
Cus defeat only lives where the weak cease to try/
And the champion is born when the "quit" in you dies/
So death to defeat, put that quitter in the dirt/
Hold a shower for the champion and witness his birth....I'm here/

Another Day, A Lonely Dollar

Guess who....yep yep..at work again...hopefully, I won't hav this much blogging time on my habds when I start my new Job :-P
...But yea, the overcast awoke the author in me....so ride wit me...
--every breath taken is another conspiracy in the makin..
Cus my exhale will always prevail over the moments that take my breath away.
Its as if my brain keeps bringin me back to reality, like I'm just visiting fantasy to drop off my sanity...
So here I am...
How long can I persue what eludes me?..
How much time will it take for the puzzle to include me?..
I don't write in riddles to make it sound good..
I think in riddles cus that's how I found "good"...
The path less taken plays a big part in my shapin'...
I guess u cud say rare is common in me....
So as long as clouds run from the ground, I will search for what has been found...
Not by me, but by those around me...
I can't catch hold of it, even tho it surrounds me...
But I can wait...I mean I know I said I didn't want to...
But I can wait...
Cus good things come to those who wait..
Hatred comes to those who hate..
And those who go for what is theirs
Get their good, which makes them great...
I'm goin for mine...
And wait for God to tell me when to wait...
Author-Owt..

idk my bff Jill

Well I dnt really have much today, IM LIVIN'!!
Oh! I had my phone interview!..I think it went well, if I do say so myself :-)
Stay tuned! Big Money Here I Come!, pray for ya manz!

I gotta lil some'em for ya..
Keep up wit me..
-- So my mind flip flops on situations,
Station to station..
I gotta keep my grind mobile..
Never bein complacent..
Cus waitin...
Well waitin's not a strong point, tho patients is a virture..
My ambition's on a mission and its gettin close to curfew..
So before life's street lights come on, and I'm locked out tonight..
Imma run,
Chasin my dreams cus waitin jus doesn't seem right...
At least not right now..--
Author*Out

"Good Newz"..Another Day in the Life....

Wuddup wuddup wuddup....another day at wrk.
But good things have come, and I'm sure they will continue. For instance, my Team Kermit crew has started to take a more active role in their educational future..with three graduates, 1 who's in grad school, then two more headed out in may and December..then one goin back to finish up next semester....I'd say we gotta bright future ahead of us...
My new Winthrop homies seem to be holdin it down too..Big shout out to DDG(*Drop*Dead*Gorgeous)!! Lol they go hard..
Special shoutz to my camera woman K.Beezy and my lovely assistant LaLeezy lol..(I clearly just made those up)...lighter fluid anyone?? Lol
But ummmmmm yea...like I said, life is lookin up!
So I'm sittin in a car at my dead-end job, the one where they cut my hrs, yea, that one. And as me and my boy Jesus were discussin how we were gonna work out the bills, I get 2 messages to the crackberry, 1 sayin thanx for fillin out ur app, we'll be in touch...and a second saying, "we reviewd ur ap and would like to call u for an interview"...and as I tried to contain myself, and keep from walkin out of this job that very moment,...I heard Jesus say to me,"I dnt even know why u were trippin" lol....so yea, yall stay tuned for what I hope to be more good news :-)
Lata!!

Coke today....Pursuit of Happiness

I'm at wrk again....this seems to be where I come up with the majority of my blogging...
I just ate the best apple I've ever eaten lol...maybe I was just hungry..who knows..
Wrk sucks tho....I mean its good havin a job but aside from the fact that they're cuttin hrs, I really don't wanna be here..I'm at a point in my life that, if it doesn't make me happy, then find a way to do what does....
So that's where I'm headed...
I've come up with a plan, I'm starting the execution of said plan so I just have to stay on the ball....
U can roll with me or get rolled over...
My happiness is out there...
All I have to do is grind
And soon I will have whatever I set out to find..

Nah I tried..

So as Musiq Soulchild's "previous cats" bounces off the walls at 6am..I think to myself, why am I tryin so hard.....I loved you so hard,

I swear to all that I know, u were all that I wanted, you were it...
But I wasn't enough, u weren't ready for a real relationship,

Not cus u young, but u jus don't wanna be tied down..
So I'm forced everyday to ride round,
Wit this sinkin feelin, like the automatic windows to my soul jus continuously slide down....

I'm hurt...

Hurt bcus u then lable me like every other nigga....

Like I aim shot and killed u with every other trigga
Like I bounce around these woods like any ordinary tigga..

Nigga pls.....

Anything I ever did, to, with or for you was to keep you closer to me,
Then u push me away..
Which only made me see,
That all that was for nothin, so where does that leave me??...

(Your response goes here)..Ill wait........

But even then, u told me not to

So now someone new who comes along.. with barely a wrd she sings a song, creates a melody so familiar, it brings me out from under my blues, from under my pain, and above you...
But now I'm wrong??...
Is she wrong too??

Are we just a bunch of heartless individuals bcuz we won't cater to ur disregard for anyone elses feelins but ur own??....

Well from what I can tell,I think her heart is in the right place,.. tho she may not even know...
There's doors open to the room my heart dies in.. and she may not even go..

But the simple fact that she might..makes ME happy...
The simple fact that she. MIGHT care for me in the slightest bit
Even if just a friendship was born
brings a calm to my storm....

Then I share this with you
Only for you to call me, any other nigga??
U tell me to leave, then shoot me as I walk away..
So know this as u aim at me and try to kill me on this very day..
If I die,I pray idont, but know I tried my best..
And as I walk away from you, I'm nothin like the rest....
Wit no regrets, excuses, or the slightest little lie...
Whatever u say I didn't do...don't say I didn't try....
Author Owt...
-gone-

Thank You

JazZ tunes consume the background
Fillin the room wit ambiance
While I produce hallucinations of you dancin on the notes in the wind*
Seems u never fail to blow my mind*
But as the branches of these memories sway to and fro, only you could know about the unforgetable images left behind*
I don't think beautiful even begins to describe the vibe u create when u enter a room*
But seein as how my thesaurus is no where to be found and the words have seem to have takin flight from my tounge and the night is too young to call it one*
...I can only reffer to what's 'left' of the 'right' words so..*
With that said, or not said I give u my thoughts, feelins and emotions, deep enough to hold oceans and still too shallow to burry my souls necessity for you...just you..

Only you...You who conjured up feelins in me that I'd never known or even begin to phathom the possibility that I could have'em...but i did...and I do..so thank you...thank you..thank you

Thinkin Of A Master Plan...(2007-Current)

So its been months now and it seems like im "the man"..
Got women on my line-up and for each i gotta plan...
i mean dont get me wrong, cuz NO its nothin physical...
Im trynna get inside they hearts, figure out they spiritual..
<3
Kisses to the soul and embraces to the brain..
explorations and explanations of things you cant explain...
answers to my answers and questions to my thoughts...
a future to my present is a present seldom bought...
<3
If i look into your eyes, im jus trynna see me in'em
but no im not conceited, im jus seein if im winnin..
cuz if u and your peripherals are focused in on me..
then our future is the focal point lets focus in on WE..
<3
I know my past is history, but it made me who i am..
but I never lied or cheated cuz it wasnt in the plan..
but neither was the arguin, and fussin on the phone..
or the bitter break aways that put me here alone...
<3
Im not sayin that im sad or nothin, actually im good..
i needed time to look at me, and fix the things i could..
but i also needed time to say, "Boy, U are the truth"
U've seen the sun, the wind, the rain, and still u made it through..
<3
I broke some hearts along the way, for that I plead my case..
I tried, i did, i swear i did, but still it went to waste...
Some said i didnt care enough but couldnt have been more wrong..
i just cared more about the solution to your problem instead of singin that sad love song..
if you werent tryin to "fix n move"..but just wanted to sit and stew,
eventually u'd sit and lose, and i would have to up and cruise..
<3
Its not that im emotionless, i just have less emotions..
movies, tv, and music now have trapped you with their potion..
they want you to think its fine to sit and bathe in your depression..
while u pay some Shrink's college loans, by sittin in a session..
<3
but i plan to make it better tho..open up your eyes..
i know its blunt, but IM NOT TRYNNA GET UP IN YOUR THIGHS..
my master plan is bigger now, try to catch my drift..
cuz if you do we'll ride the tide, the present is our gift..
<3
i plan to show you now and forever that not all guys are lame..
we do alot of the same things but no we're not the same...
<3
u say u Fly, u Young u Sexy but ive come to this conclusion..
Some Women really wanna win..Some Wanna look good losin..
<3
but that time for me has come and gone, my plan is in the works
God said wuts for me is just for me so later for you jerks..
HE gave me tools, HE made me cool, HE showed me what to do
So spiritually im almost ready, time to make my move..
<3
But my list is gettin narrow now, i guess ill use my patients..
im not necessarily hirin', but im takin applications...
so if you think u qualify, to fit my master plan..
Just e-mail me your resume, or come straight to "the man"..

I Guess Its Over...All Outta Ideaz (The End of A Troublesome Relationship 2007)

Check this...
You have someone who everyone else wants...
she says she only wants you...
You have someone who everyone else loves...
she says she only loves you...

But you try to be you...that doesnt work
You try to be like she wants you...thats not good enough

You try to be quiet..now you dont care...
You try to be loud...there no solution there...
You try to explain...she just says ok..

You try to give examples...but somehow they're not true
then all of a sudden, You're no longer you..
You love her so much...you break your own rules..
you fuss and you argue still tryin to get thru...

you tell her whats wrong..but youre the one wrong
you try to be strong..but it goes on so long..
you love her so much...but now youre in pain
cuz the love that you give is taken in vein...

its like she's moved on, she's been datin others
but you stay cuz she tells you that youre her one lover
she told you she could find one at the drop of a dime
dudes come like that, well at least to her, and thats not a crime

you know that youre tryin, youre doin you best
but thats not good enough so what options are left

you love her so much that the time then comes where you do what you have to do..
so since yall are always madd together, maybe she'll be happy without
you...

Now she'll tell her friends that it was your fault, and you'll look like the bad guy again...
She might even really convince herself that you were the cause of the end..
but as long as you know that the love that you had was real and you really tried hard...
then all you can do is hope that she'll try harder to help heal whats truly been scard.
Maybe she'll actually work on those flaws instead of just tryin to fix yours..
cuz sayin she was and doin the opposite only pushed you towards the door..
maybe her friends will give her advice and let her know where she went wrong..
cuz just tellin her ,that niggas aint sh*t would be singin the same sad song..
YOU CALLED IT QUITS,well at least for now, even though she probably wont wait...
But You know that you will as long as she will...and your will will determine your fate..

The Role of the Heartbreaker

every love story needs a heartbreaker
who else is gonna keep you guessin about who's gonna get hurt next
who else is gonna keep you wonderin, does he lover her, or is he just
trynna get what he's trynna get..
every love story needs a heartbreaker
the heartbreaker is the one who makes the so called victim open their eyes
and see whats really happenin out there
the heartbreaker keeps it real..cuz they are real to themself
the heartbreaker may keep it too real for you ..
but just real enough to make you see it for what it really is..
you see, every love story needs a heartbreaker...
the heartbreaker isnt the heartbreaker intentionally.at least not always
sometimes he just falls into that role...
sometimes its a big responsiblity..
some of us are born into responsibility, and some of us have it place upon us
the heartbreaker will tell you how he's feelin whether you wanna hear it or not
he'll letchu know when youre not bein real enough
and he'll letchu know when he is tired of playin your silly games..
the heartbreaker is real....
the heartbreaker is the truth...
the heartbreaker is not the same as a liar...
a liar wont tell you the truth and in turn that is what breaks your heart...
its kinna like...there are football players and those who just play football
so its like there are heartbreakers and those who just break your heart...
the true heart breaker will break your heart over and over
if its not built correctly...
some women build their hearts around BS..how they THINK its supposed to be
but the heartbreaker, being "how it is"
will soon distort that vision and mess your head up
to the point that you will hate them..maybe forever...
hate blocks understanding..and when youre not UNDERstandin..
youre OVERlooking...and that is when the heartbreaker leaves..
thus earning his role.....

to be continued......
maybe...if i feel like it..lol

Rekindle Your Godly Fire

1. First you have to be aware that the fire is going out...(Come to the conclusion that you're not ridin for GOD like you should be..whether it be going to church, paying tithes, reading the WORD, praying daily)
2. Remember where you were after you met GOD..(how much your life was touched..how good you felt on the inside..how the bad in life, didnt hurt so much because you had HIM)
3. Repent..((Keep it 100 with yourself and GOD...no need to lie to HIM right?..lol..but nah, come clean with the fact that youre "FALLIN OFF SPIRITUALLY"..then its easier to move forward towards improvement.))
4. Refocus...(Now turn your attention to REKINDLING that flame you once had)
5. Begin to read the WORD with intentions to learn...((Start with a smaller book in the BIBLE..something you can accomplish quicker and get an understanding of...ALSO..know that when you are reading, and a certain passage or phrase sounds like its talkin STRAIGHT TO YOU...know that THAT IS GOD TELLIN YOU WHAT TO DO..DROPPIN A HINT...MAKIN IT PLAIN..DO I HAVE TO ELABORATE ANY MORE?..LOL
6. Pray..not for money, health, family, or friends....BUT PRAY FOR YOURSELF..PRAY FOR A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD..((so you and HIM can be on the same page...cuz as the world turns, so do the pages of life..and you dont want to get LEFT BEHIND..((do i see another life lesson in the works??))..LOL..LOL
7. Get involved in the lives of others..(no matter how big or small..MAKE AN IMPACT ON SOMEBODY's LIFE..maybe lend a LIFE LESSON or two))...OR 59!..LOL...((shameless self promotion..i know))
8. Rely on the HOLY SPIRIT to enable you....( you dont have to go it alone..."HE'll never put more on you than you can bare"..believe me..you were built by GOD..that means you'll last ALOT LONGER than anything that says..MADE IN CHINA..LOL!!..((.another LL?..maybe..lol))

but yea.....follow these 8 simple steps and i promise you the Fire that you had for GOD will not burn out...in turn..your QUALITY of LIFE WILL BE A LOT BETTER...WHO DOESNT WANNA BE A LOTTA BIT HAPPIER? YA FEEL ME?

BE BLESSED...
CUS I KNOW I AM...LOL

PEACE..

this message has been approved my the good folks at the TEAM KERMIT GAIN GREEN NITE*LIFE ASSOCIATION..where "Its not A party...its THEE party"

iight fa reall....bye..dueces...hol

la at me lata..ok...gone..over and out....10/4...
no really...
im out...
ok
!~!poof!~!

The Death Of the Nice Guy

this, im keepin short n sweet cuz the battle was long..
this one probably wont be one of ur favorite songs..
but this one had to happen, if it didnt, you'd ask why..
cus this one is the one about ,the death of the Nice Guy..

Mr. Call n Text you just because u crossed his mind..
Mr. Yea ill get it for, just because he's kind..
Mr. Hold u while u cryin cus the pressure's heavy weight
Mr. Try to make it better, try to take the pain away..

Mr. Tell you, You Can come to me, if somethin isnt right..
Mr. Gotta go to work, but stays up with you thru the night...
Mr. Put you on a pedistole, and catch u when u fall..
Mr. Really Gettin weary having to climb the same wall...

Well now im at the base again, the wall is gettin taller..
Im not sure what to do right now, suggestions u should offer..
otherwise im breakin down through all this wear and tear..

how do u cure the feeling of "not counting"
easy...just DONT CARE...

So no more constant inquiries of what is on your mind..
no more sure ill get it for you, just because he's kind.
no more "you can talk to me's" cus obviously you dnt..
and im folding up my open arms cuz "play myself" i wont..

if asking you to open up is too much of a request...
then let me know, ill let it go, but know, i did my best....
so as the Nice-Guy kicks the chair away to hang himself...

know this....

if im gonna be treated like everybody else...

Then i might as well be "everybody else"....

S.W.I.F.T.

Saying Whatz Real (Remix of Drake's Say Whats Real)

....why do i feel so alone...
like everyone that seems to pass My way..
is in character as if its "lets act out a movie day"...
talkin nonsense as if it was for me to say
and i dnt have the heart to turn a cold shoulder the other way
...so i stick around kickin out feedback..
they ignore it sayin, no i didnt need that..

i had a talk wit my brother and he agreed that,
my peace of mind about the only thing i need back...but

its hard to keep livin the good role..
when the world is tellin you where you should go
goin thru hell, in months that you know it should snow
and u keep losin in a game u think you Should know..

heart-achin from the e-motional cardio
runnin outta breath, but this aint the end of the party tho..

i always said id give my all, and she'd like that...
but in this game you only lose when you fight back..

no diamond bracelets, we only had the basics
and who knew..that this operation would be a face-lift
we had love,
like some that isnt....that aint this..
24 hrs from losin it..im that close...

dont ever forget the moment you began to dought..
the reason ur together and all of the others didnt count..

so you puttin in work and whatchu gettin out,
never really comes back to you but still you stick around..

some situations, you really dont wanna talk about
so instead...you squash it when ya friends come around...
they say i shouldnt stress it,
and that i shouldnt be down
but i dont wanna feel the need to wear disguises around

so they wonder where my mind is..me i couldnt find it
prolly somewhere chasin sanity, i couldnt find it

feelin like its for nothin but nevermind it..
cus what im workin wit is timeless..

and my homies try to get me out to the club..
and say ill have fun but i cant imagine how..
when its all said and done they go kick it wit they girl
and im sittin in the spot that im sittin in now..

and that can get old...but still i go out..
and try to be up....when feelin so down..

cus everytime we talk, its like we dont listen..
and somehow the truth just always comes up missin..

ive always been nothin like the rest of these guys..
especially like the ones they say treat'em so cold..

they always say how Coke is such a really good guy..
and i be thinkin, "silly mudda sucka i know"

that was yo bad,..how could you pass up on him..
he so down to earth you could grow grass up on him..
always found a way to make you laugh up on him..
suprised no one ever putcho a** up on him..

but i did tho...at least i tried to...
but thats what happens when you givin whats inside you..
but slip up and let'em know you catchin feelins
then they think that they can talk to you however they decide to..

but nah..my brothas told me to do me..
and dont change for anybody that wont.....see
to meet the old me and then to meet the new me
you would see ive changed for the better...
who do you see?
wow..
and to the kids im like two three ....................(Jorda

n)
hear me spit, and say they wanna grow to be just like me..

i tellem no, but its not because im lazy
ive jus had my heart be kicked around so much its crazy
understand...

i went into this thing wit my eyes closed...
and i did the best i could as far as i know....

so if you see me in the house wit the lights low
music up loud then im thinkin where did i go...
wrong...

i put you up on a peda-stil..
and i cared....... much more than they eva will..

but i really hope you find whatchu want
cuz if i cant have you then maybe the next "whoever" will

and they said after Drake, Coke you betta kill...
so i put my flavor on it just to keep it real..

the problem wit these women now is, they dont want'em real....

yea....
i think thas all i can say....

Who Knows Pt. 2

so rain hits the window at 5am
my brain shakes me out of a sound sleep to have a heart to heart with all but another soul...
now im not only talkin to myself but im thinkin to myself...
and i actually believe thats worse...
if anybody knew the extent to which my mind carries me in a moments notice..
a glane, a stare,...somethin as small as giggle can send my mind off into the furthest corners of imagination...
that imagination then brings me back to the situations at hand and put them there....at hand..
so in one hand i mold the situation to my pleasing and with the other i manipulate the situation
to fit the mold of the next image...
like i said...this is random, my mind is at work, but ur human minds may not wrap around what happens until its too late to even change or affect it...

so why do i do what i do....basic instinct along with devine intervention makes Coke who he was, is, and will be...

i know where i want to be, the reason you is because u dont ask...so ure stuck trynna figure me out when all u have to do is ask....funny

emotionally i am the culmination of the worlds largest super power and worlds lonliest child....
even as this rain hits my window, like bullets, custom made for my specific window, as if mother nature was sent here to assassinate my slumber.. waking me from my sleep, i can only think of who to share it with...

i mean even the deaf listen...
the blind see..not like u...but more like me....
u take face value, but i value a face....
words mean no more to me than the meaning..
meaning that if u dont mean those words...dont use them..
at least not with me....

yea im a little out there sometimes...
i work hard
i pray harder
i laugh hard
i love harder
and all except prayers go unanswered sometimes...
cuz prayers are yes or no...
right or wrong...

God is my only true relative....
i just cant identify with some of these earth beings...

when i say im not from here...its not becuz of the look of disbelief i see you wear when i release thought..
or because some pill poppin animal said it and it sounded cool....
nah..not by any means....
I say it because, mentally, im not from here..your advice, although welcome, is sometimes useless to me...bcuz before u can say it, ive run the situation in question thru my mind so many times and from so many angles, that u would only be echoing the previous and stating the obvious....
so thanks..but no thanks...

the rain is hitting harder now..
am i onto something??
when i raindown insight into my soul, does that, in turn, therefore, by the way, also....
make the sky cry harder???

see how useless my words can be.....but the ones that make u smile are meant to do just that...

and truthfully i feel thats a major part of my purpose...to make u smile...

now who's gonna make me smile??

we'll stop here bcuz now lightning and thunder are on the way and the deeper i get in thought, the worse the storm gets...so as the skies pour our they're emotions and energies,trapped behind the thin, but powerful cloud of doubt....
i do to you....

but u like it...

i see u smilin...

now who's gonna make me smile....
6:15am ...
(( Author_Penzwell )) out.....

Who Knows

i dont even know what to write..
im really jus ramblin...
all i know is that when i think im sure..
i can only be sure that i have no idea...
i feel.."convenient"...not used..cuz i did everything cus i wanted to...
guess i wanted somethin in return...
either i didnt get what i wanted...
or i did..
who knows..
i wanted a real answer..
a real response...
i think i got one...
but who knows...
ill just let "it" do what it does til whenever..
my fight is gone...
No anger..
no sadness..
no resentment..
just lessons learned..
ill prolly get talked about...
or maybe i wont...
ill prolly be made to look like the bad guy..
or maybe i wont
who knows..
all i know is somebody is not sure what they wanna do..
at least right now..
at least thats what i think..
but who knows..
not me...
i know what i want..
i know who i want..
i what i want from that person..
but im not sure if they want me..
what they want from me..
or if they ever wanted anything at all..
prolly shoulda took the hint earlier...
maybe i muffed this one up..
maybe not..
who knows...
i love who i love..
i always will..
its not wrong that they dont really love me back..
thats up to them...
no fault..
no foul..
no harm..
but let me know if ure not that into it..
i mean yea i ended it...but things would have been the same either way..
maybe not...
who knows...
maybe not now..
maybe not ever..
maybe never was...
maybe never will be.
if ure fine with that...
thats ok i guess..
somethin i gotta deal wit..
i jus want to know if u want to be with me..
not like me or like me like me just cus im the one u have to see everyday..
just tell me.
tell me u love me..
if u dont..
tell me that..
but tell me something..
maybe im askin too much..
maybe not..
who knows..
not me..
there might be a response this..
maybe not here..
maybe not at all
maybe here..
but who knows..
not me..
i only know what i know..
what i thought i knew is kinna iffy sometimes..
maybe im trippin..
bein too soft..
maybe not..
maybe im bein too real..
maybe not..
who knows...
i got more...but would it even matter..
lol...prolly not..
when everything you do is wrong u got nothin to lose
so do something...
make sense??
maybe
maybe not
who knows